When going gets tough…

Day #18 @Hospital | Day #38 @SinceFirstSymptom

Good morning beautiful people!

Thank you for being such a regular audience to my daily updates, rants, and musings. As I mentioned in my previous posts, compiling and publishing this daily update, has become sort of a therapeutic anchor for me. However, this sudden surge in the volume of responses and feedback that I have started to receive, from various different channels, that too from across the world, is something I really didn’t see coming!

It’s awfully heartwarming to see so many of you coming back here, to this freshly founded personal little space of mine, to listen to my daily stories, loaded with arbitrary medical jargon and trivial details from the proceedings of the previous day, and then so fondly following my journey live, engaging with it, and sending back so much love, support and prayers!

I must say, I am deeply touched. And, absolutely reinvigorated!

You all have filled me with fresh newfound strength and vigour, and hence, today, I wanted to take out this moment first, to extend my heartfelt gratitude to all of you out there, connected with me through this little vulnerable virtual personal space of mine.

THANK YOU.

Moving on, as far as yesterday was concerned, it was certainly not the best of the days.

Sometimes, it’s just plain bad luck.

A DAY OF NOTHINGNESS.

• I think I jinxed everything the moment I used the word ‘ritual’ in my post yesterday.
• Guess what, I am not in that room anymore. Not even on the same floor. I’m writing this, super late post today, from my new abode, being managed by an entirely new set of staff and operations team.
• So, yes, honestly, yesterday was indeed a very frustrating day. Exhausting in its own inactivity.
• All-day, I literally felt like a “Ready-to-Dispatch” packed consignment, patiently waiting at the shipping port (in this case, it was my hospital bed itself, arranged with my shabbily packed bags by a kind nurse), for the next available logistics team to complete the transfer.
• Of course, the ongoing treatment schedule was duly followed, but any additional procedures ordered during the somewhat rushed doctor visits from the morning took an unfortunate backseat due to the sheer operational chaos that followed on the floor and were deferred to be carried out by the new owners.
• Adding insult to injury, my turn to be shipped came post-dinner time. “Bad Luck” as I said.

[CONTEXT: Among the rapidly improving pandemic situation here, the hospital is reclaiming as much space as they can, the moment an opportunity opens up, to minimise the isolated/quarantined Covid areas, and reinstating as many Non-Covid wards for business as usual, wherever possible. And hence, the moment, a floor has enough openings for a new batch of patients, patients from eligible areas are shifted there.]

HEALTH CHECK

• My 24-Hour Heart Rate monitoring, unfortunately, got delayed to begin today, instead of yesterday, due to the aforementioned reasons.
• So, yes, a third consecutive night of sleep deprivation for me. Trying to sleep while in a sitting position, and being mindful of the severe heart rate drop. I requested the new nurse to keep a regular check through the night, but by just being aware of the situation myself, a carefree sleep was out of bounds.
• Overall, though physically I did feel pretty much the same, no new major discomfort, but, yes, psychologically, it did become somewhat enervating yesterday.

THE NEW ABODE

• I was deeply disappointed and noticeably infuriated, when I found myself, thoughtlessly placed, in a pigeon-hole of a room, just a few inches next to a male Patient Bed, with an absolute absence of privacy, and basic personal space.
• I immediately called for urgent intervention, informed at home as well, to coordinate a transfer request, as, the arrangement, was clearly not going to work.
• Fortunately, they did realize the absurdity and thoughtlessness of their assignment, and of course, the deluge of complaint calls that thus came in, expedited the process, and I was shifted to a much more reasonable room across the corridor, within a few hours.
• This means, yes, I got to spend an additional few bonus hours of being a “Ready-to-Dispatch” parcel, this time, waiting at a transit port. “Plain Bad Luck”.
• Anyhow, eventually, the room they have finally assigned me, is not too bad. It is a 2-Bed, warm, cozy little room, with a window right in front of me, and a set of functioning curtains, to ensure some privacy.
• The fellow patient is an old lady, who’s currently pretty much mute and immobile (very similar to the condition of the old lady from the “death room"). May God Bless her! A full-time attendant usually comes for her, so there’s some company too in the room.
• Regarding the staff and service, well, it’s a wait and watch for me too. Right now I’m too drained to absorb any further changes. Want to just unwind, settle and relax now.

MY EXPERIMENTS

Before concluding today’s post, I thought, I’ll try to quickly compile and share, what all I tried to do yesterday, and have been trying to do, in general, to navigate this chaos and uncertainty.

MINDFULNESS.

• The moment I got to know about the possibility of incumbent chaos (Meenu Didi, whose PPE kit I had inked, specially came to give me an early intimation of the still unconfirmed news, as she was bummed that her kit might not look as pretty from next day onwards, and she might not see me there the next day), I took a very conscious decision, to start grounding my mental energy as much as possible, getting rid of any draining thoughts, and focusing as much as possible, to turn inwards and spend some quality time with self :)
• Slowing myself down, tuning out of the chaos, and paying as little attention as possible to the madness happening around, tremendously helped me remain calm throughout that long spell of endless pointless wait.
• Moreover, consciously maintaining a meditative state, as much as possible, helped alleviate some physical stress too, and got me a nice few bursts of conscious but restorative sleep cycles.

MUSIC THERAPY

• Indian Classical Music has, thankfully, all that magic, that can instantly catalyze, such an immediate mental state transition, on such short notice.
• I immediately restored to playing some of the masterpieces of Pt. Hariprasad Chaurasiya’s flute magic, carefully choosing the raagas, according to the time of the day, and tried to change the vibrations of the room
• Needless to mention, it worked like a charm, and despite the ongoing commotion, the energies of the room did transform.

MINI PERSONAL ANCHORS

• When the outside atmosphere is so dynamic and unpredictable (and I guess this is true for our life, in general, as well), holding on to some of your own little personal constants, make a huge huge difference, in staying put through turbulence.
• Hence, establishing, a few little anchors/routines of your own, while things are stable, go a long way, in providing you with a sense of familiar stability, when needed.
• I realized, fortunately, after having spent all these days at the hospital so far, I have already, somehow managed to establish a bunch of my own little daily collection of moments and routines, that, no matter my external surroundings, give me that same sense of familiar experience, hence grounding me daily, for those brief moments.
• Like enjoying that daily morning tea and 2 biscuits, with the same mindfulness and awareness, without fail, no matter, from which room or bed.

Morning Anchor. The tea and two biscuits.

• Like opening that cute little personal hygiene kit box of mine, (that my sister had me set up), very religiously, right after finishing my breakfast, and peacefully following the same self-cleaning regime daily, without fail, at my own pace, way before the restless cleaning ladies storm the room, to conduct their methodical process of changing the patients’ sheets and clothes.
• Or munching on a comfort snack, kept especially aside, for moments of lows or confusion, to help provide an immediate sense of familiarity and comfort.

I frankly find it remarkably amazing, how such little things in life actually go a long way in helping us stay put when going gets tough

:)

Signing off for today…
With patience, and love.
Chhavi